One question, that arises from conversations about my hospice work, never has been asked of me in a group setting. It usually is put to me in a “sidebar,” in muted tones. Strangers never ask this question. It, apparently, is reserved for friends. “So, what do you think really happens when you die?” I don’t consider it an odd question, nor a particularly intimate one. In many respects, I wish it were a more prominent subject of conversation. But, it brings with it a lot of baggage. And, even in writing about it here, I undertake no small risk. Why risk? If you think about it, many of our beliefs, judgments and social values are derivatives of an attempt to answer that simple question. Whatever I believe, no matter how carefully considered or stated, will offend someone. Keep Reading »
Posts Tagged ‘Grief’
Awareness and Parenting, Part 8 – Integral Intelligence & Wrap Up
Integral Intelligence (II) refers to that state of being in which you are concurrently aware of and able to utilize your other intelligences synergistically. Moreover, II allows you to overcome the compartmentalization, limitations and distortion which may arise from allowing one intelligence or another to dominate from time to time or in certain situations. Here are some simple examples. You may not function well intellectually, emotionally or socially when you are hungry or verging on illness. An astute somatic awareness will alert you to the risks of certain undertakings, such that you either proceed with caution or postpone them to another day. Or, you recently have experienced a death in the family and are grieving your loss. You recognize that your emotional state will impede your somatic intelligence, so this is not the time to go rock climbing. You choose to go for a hike, instead. Or, you’ve worked for twelve days straight, without a break, and are invited to an evening of socializing with friends. You recognize that you lack the physical energy as well as the mental acuity to effectively engage a social situation. So, instead, you take your partner out for a quiet meal. The permutations are limitless. But the higher functioning to be realized from acknowledging the interdependencies of the various intelligences and working with them integrally cannot be overlooked. II is an intelligence not much recognized beyond a small circle of psychologists, philosophers, educators and coaches. It is not been the subject of protracted study, although various authors such as Ken Wilber, Ervin Laszlo, Peter Senge, Robert Sternberg, and others have been building a framework for its definition and wider acceptance. Many have begun to equate effective leadership with high II, all though I know of no metric for its measurement that been established. Keep Reading »
The Quiet, Giving Presence
On Sunday, November 19, the following email arrived at my office, from Eric Poche, the Director of Volunteer Services for the Zen Hospice Project:
In hospice, it is sometimes our great, great fortune and honor to stay a course to the end of life of someone who humbly accepts our attention with style and grace, who unquestioningly with a gesture of hand, a crack of a smile, a steady gaze of inquiry or an occasional snort of a laugh, grabs our hearts and we fall forever in love. This little lady who came to our community in June 2005 until this morning 11/18/11 began our friendship with humor and caring, “wanting to sweep the floor and wash the dishes and make coffee”, “cooked Korean BBQ, but after the chopping, cutting and preparing the meal which several staff and residents enjoyed, lay down in bed, disclaiming the meal in the face of thanks and praises. She made a wonderful kimchee and tended the hot water urn on C-2 [The hospice ward at the old Laguna Honda Hospital].
She loved to dress well and wore her hats and clothes with panache; loved bingo and blackjack (and frequently if not always, won at both).
She smoked cigarettes with many dozens of volunteers over the years.
As her days waned, she spoke less and more and more lightly, but her interest and caring never waned.
So much to remember, spring days, fall days, holidays. Sunny days, rainy days, smoking in the garden.
So much blessings from you, dear Edith. May you receive them in return a thousandfold.
May she be peaceful, may she be free from suffering and all cause of suffering, may she be happy and at ease, may she realize her true nature.
Gratitude to the many volunteers who simply loved and treasured this wonderful being.
Her cremains will be sent to Hawaii, to her children.
Alzheimer’s Walk
Last Saturday, I participated in a fundraising walk sponsored by the Alzheimer’s Association and affiliated groups in Santa Cruz County. Santa Cruz is where my sister, Kathy, and I were born and raised. My mother was also born there. Mom died of lewy body dementia (LBD) in 2007. Lewy Body Dementia is a disease that combines the cognitive degeneration of Alzheimer’s with the motor impairment of Parkinson’s disease. We were aware of the LBD diagnosis for two years before her death, although my sister had noticed my mother’s cognitive decline for almost a year or two previously. My mother’s mother had died of a similar disease. I will never forget the last time I saw my grandmother curled like an infant in her bed with no self-awareness or her surrounding environment.
Grief and Healing
When I landed in Denver a year ago, I learned that the wife of one of my best friends had died the day before. On that day, my friend and I had a very caring and compassionate lunch together during which he spoke of how he knew that his wife was the “right one ” for him, and I agreed. We had shut our phones off, so he was unable to receive news of his wife’s passing. My friend called me twice after that lunch to convey the news, but found himself speechless. A colleague told me what had happened as I departed my Denver bound flight. I still hold that lunch conversation as one of the most remarkable in my life, and I am pleased that my friend understood the profundity of his relationship. D, you remain in my thoughts.
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